I always thought that the option of changing genders was just not for me. It wasn’t supposed to happen to me; it was not in the cards. I always believed that the people that transitioned were in a different situation than me, way too far away from my own experiences and interests. Growing up it felt to me as these supernatural beings that had enormous will power.
Always Happy With Myself
There are some aspects that I consider fundamental to my development that had a very strong influence on my experiences in recent years. First I never felt trapped. Yes, growing up I knew that if I was caught wearing girls clothes, that would not be accepted. But I knew it and it was just part of growing up. It was something that I just had to keep to myself and it was all good. Kind of the way you keep your credit card PIN to yourself and you never feel “why can’t I share my PIN with everyone??” You just never think that. Second, from an early age I knew about the concept of transition thanks to my interpretation of males playing female characters on TV or on stage, a couple of porn magazines I got to see when I was a kid, and a few other things. So I knew that it was possible for a person to be assigned boy at birth and later in life to fully live as a woman. And third, I always thought this was not for me regardless of having a high level of interest since I can remember. So I never regretted being a boy or not transitioning earlier. I was never angry with myself, or with the way I looked, or with society “for not allowing me” to be a girl. As much as I wondered what it would be like, I didn’t want to be a girl.
But as much as I’ve always had this drive, this curiosity, I never ever questioned being a boy. I’ve always been curious of what it would be like to be a girl, but I didn’t want to be a girl. Going through my teen years and through puberty, I had no issue with my boyhood or my manhood. I had no problem growing body hair or becoming more masculine as puberty hit.
It was similar to the way I liked cars. When ever I saw a car I liked, I’d think about it, what I liked about that car, and what it would be to drive or own one. Similar thing with girls. As soon as I saw a girl or anything girl related, like dresses and lingerie in a store, I would think what it would be to wear that or what a girl was wearing. But opposite to my attraction to cars, my attraction to femininity was something I would not discuss with anyone. I knew it would not go well with anybody. But the neat thing is that it never affected me. It didn’t affect my external or public life more than overcompensating by exaggerating not having interest. It never affected my internal life or my psyche as I never struggled with that external suppression I always carried with me. I was always content being a guy hyper interested in all things girl and not showing it. I was happy with myself. Period.
I was never interested in sport or in very manly things like competition, or aggression like fighting, or dating, but it was not an issue for me. I just knew that kind of manly stuff was interesting to most guys, but not to me. I was always ok with that difference and although my friends put some pressure on me to join their sport, or whatever, they mostly respected when I declined their invitation.
Was It Hard Growing Up?
Not long ago, a trans girlfriend asked me if it was a challenge to grow up different but trying to “be normal”; trying to conform. No, it was not a challenge. I knew I didn’t like what most guys liked so in that a regards I was different, and I’ve alway been fine with that so I’ve “always been normal”. After all not all my friends were into everything super manly. We were all different individuals, with some similar tastes and interest, but none of us liked the exact same thing as the others. We knew who liked what, but no one knew the little detail that I’d be curious to look or dress like a girl.
In retrospect, I think my trans girlfriend and I had similar experiences where neither of us didn’t fit the typical guy mould. For me this was not a challenge or an internal fight or struggle. Same thing with my drive to dress as a girl. It wasn’t anything painful or tough, or at least not tougher than keeping to myself. As I said earlier, I compare it to keeping my credit card PIN secret. It’s not tough. It’s just something that needs to be done to keep safe.
As I’ve written about some of my early memories and awareness I learnt something new about me. Something so big, staring at me, and I always dismissed it. Probably a type of denial, or maybe a big denial.
When I started writing the last couple of posts, I wanted to share a couple of things. On one side a selection of events that hinted from a very early age my interest in presenting female, so this is not new or recent. On the other side I wanted to make it clear that even I had this inclination from day one, that “it was not in the cards for me”. Living full time presenting female was not supposed to happen to me. My life presenting as a guy was always fine and until 2015 I had always rejected the idea of me presenting female full time.
As I wrote some of my vivid memories, a bunch of other almost forgotten memories came back from the deepest corners of my head. Here’s the crazy part:
As I wrote and reviewed what I had written it just became obvious to me that presenting female full time HAD TO HAPPEN. I was not aware until now! I always said that this was not supposed to happen (to me).
Just writing about my memories helped me better organize my thoughts and doing so gave me this realization; just got enlightened. That’s why now writing is my friend!