Early Awareness

Since I was a kid I knew about the trans concept. Here I talk about a couple of memories trying to provide some age context. To me having this basic awareness at such a young age is important. I think it helped me avoid having the burning question of why I had an interest in dressing up as a girl. Knowing at least on a basic level didn’t answer all my questions but I believe it gave me context of what I was interested in. You’ll also notice how important was for me to hide this awareness.

In Tune With Males Representing Females

From an early age I was aware of the concept of changing genders. Comedy shows where male actors would play female characters kind of made sense to me. And it always tickled my interest. There were a number of live performance shows with female impersonators, and I would always spot their billboard ads. I figure that I was tuned to that frequency.

I vaguely remember a talk show on TV once where they were interviewing a female impersonator, but I clearly remember my interest in watching and seeing scenes from their show. I wanted to see these guys dressed and performing as females. As interested as I was, I actually never went to see one of these shows or even mentioned my curiosity to anyone. I thought that if I attended one of these shows or said anything about them it would hint my interest to someone.

Porn Magazines: Learning Material

I don’t remember how old I was, but I’m sure I was pretty young, probably around 10 or maybe even a bit younger. One of my brothers had this terrible porn magazine. It had models that were not very good looking and low production values; some low budget magazine. But there it had a photo of a really overweigh transexual porn model naked, with exaggerated makeup, and huge breasts. This was the first time I saw a girl with a penis. As ugly as I thought this heavily made-up person was, I was very excited and attracted to her. I’m pretty sure I only saw the photo once. I have no idea where the magazine came from nor where it ended, but I as I write I can almost see the pages of the magazine in my head.

Growing up there was this barber that sometimes would cut our hair. In his barber shop he always had porn magazines for his ‘gentlemen’ clientele (bunch of horny dudes). He had a good collection of Playboy and some Penthouse magazines and he always had the latest issue at hand. We would stop either for a hair cut or just to browse the magazines and chat. He was a character! In one of those Playboy magazines in 1981 there was a spread on Tula Cossey. The barber showed it to me saying “Can you believe it? She’s a man.” I was so interested in learning and seeing more of her, but I didn’t want to raise any suspicion. I also remember reading that she was asked about her “sex change” to which Tula replied “I’ve never changed anything”. Those words stuck in my head.

Simply put, from a very early age I knew it was possible that someone who had been born a boy could look and even be a girl. I never saw myself in that situation, but I was always drawn to the topic and the concept.