Life After a Vulvoplasty II – Untethering & Physical Appearance

This is the second article talking about how my life is now after my vulvoplasty. Here I talk about the type of untethering I felt as I am now able to traverse boundaries that were impossible before.  Then I discuss some physical details specific to my results.

Deliverance – Untethering

This is so important that Deliverance could have been the title of the whole blog series but I already have an older post with that name.

My objectives with this surgery were to have my body in harmony with my gender expression. I was seeking the confidence to be at peace with myself – my presentation in any social situation. This included a desire to be free to wear whatever I wanted.

Before the vulvoplasty I had been full time for about 3 years. I managed to wear pretty much whatever I wanted but with a caveat. I learnt that even before surgery it was hard for people to discern my background. I got to that conclusion by putting myself in the shoes of others and trying to see their perspective. But as hard as it was for others to tell, it was not impossible.

During that time I didn’t have issues putting on yoga pants or leotards for dance, wearing a bikini in public, etc.. But in every case I was unsettled with the possibility of anything showing or someone wondering if I was actually hiding something.

Priviledge to Just Be

Not too long ago a friend invited me to my first hot yoga class. After the class we had to go and change because we were drenched in sweat. The yoga studio was large and lively. The change room was also big and busy with lots of customers. Later that night we went for dinner and I was telling my friend how untethered I felt going to a totally new place and getting naked to change amongst so many other women.

I’m having a hard time finding words to describe the sense of freedom to walk anywhere wearing almost anything I choose to. A couple of examples may help illustrate what I’m trying to get across. One of those how-did-I-get-here moments was being at a swimming pool all day with friends at a holiday destination. Another was walking in to a communal fitting room with no privacy separations at a trendy store. A favourite of mine was at a lingerie store asking the clerk for her help fitting me different sets. And probably the most exposed I’ve ever been with a stranger was when I got my tattoo. For this I had to take off my undies and barely cover as she worked just centimetres away from my groin for a few hours. The feeling of being unfettered was the underlaying sentiment in all these examples.

Still I felt apprehension during the first years post surgery even as freeing as all these situations were. It was as I gained more of this kind of experiences that the true sense of liberation shun through. It did take me some time to gradually appreciate more and more first the relief and then the untying.

Latitude to Slip Into Anything

As mentioned earlier, wearing tight clothes like exercise shorts or pants, bathing suits, leotards, etc. is now worry free. The improved confidence is not limited to figure-hugging garments. Wearing pretty much anything is now free from hinting of the male genitalia that caused angst in the past.

Interestingly enough I had not anticipated the sense of freedom wearing nothing. Being naked and not having to deal with anything gives me a very liberating sentiment. But not wearing underwear under a few specific circumstances is a different level of unshackling.

Having said the above there are garments that give me a frontal wedgie. From what I’ve heard from other women, not everyone has the same experience. I figure it depends on the difference in body shapes. For me most thongs tend to ride up in the front. I also like to wear bodysuits. Depending on the style they too have the same issue making them uncomfortable at one point. Regardless IMO this is better than feeling insecure about a bulge.

Safety

This should be under the Deliverance subject but it’s also quite important so I decided to make it into its own.

In some cases I have played with guys even if I’m not attracted to them. Being assumed cis has allowed me to do so to the point of getting fairly close physically. Though even after the surgery it’s always in the back of my head how they would react if they learnt that I’m trans.  It’s not a nice feeling. Before the surgery this was a mayor concern.

It has been a steep learning curve to figure out where is the line between having fun and making someone think I’m interested in him. Spoiler alert: I’m not interested in him. But it’s not hard to cross to the danger zone when interacting with strangers, specially in a playful way. In no time It can go from fun and laughs to a sour experience by a simple misunderstanding.

Let me set a scenario as an example. Imagine a night out with my girlfriends to a club. It’s late night after a few drinks and we’re on the dance floor. It’s not hard for some guy to get close to try to dance with me. And if they feel embolden they could be disrespectful enough to reach between my legs. Let’s picture that setting before the surgery with an aggressive dude. I really don’t want to imagine how they could react.

Safer Post-Op

After the surgery I have allowed myself to go further in a couple of situations. I’ve played around with guys without getting sexual but almost. I am aware of the possible risks of getting involved with someone who thinks he’s entitled – regardless if I’m trans or not. Though in these few cases I have felt much safer just because now it’s harder for them to infer my background. Before the surgery I would not have had this kind of experiences and I would have not dare to put myself in this kind of scenarios.

Earlier I talked about feeling free walking in and using the change room at a busy yoga studio. Prior to surgery I also did that but never got completely naked. Even amongst only women it can get dangerous and violent should anyone feel angst about a trans woman in there.

Side note: I’m rolling my eyes after writing/reading this because the reason I’m in a change room or a washroom is not to prey on anyone.

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The Origami

Changing to a totally different topic, this one is a bit difficult to describe with words but I’ll try. Some women may already know what I mean. When I’m standing naked I really cannot see much more than a slit. Same thing sitting down. What happens is that the tissue outside of the labia tends to fold inwards when standing or sitting with my legs together. Similar to folding origami. It almost seems to protect the clitoral hood, labia minora, neoclitoris, urethral opening and vestibule by pushing everything inside. The only way to really see all these features is by spreading and unfolding this tissue; the origami. It really doesn’t push anything in, but rather the skin of the labia majora and fatty tissue just cover it all.

I used to say that Dr. Brassard, my surgeon, is not a plastic surgeon. Rather he’s a high couture surgeon. Considering the rearrangement that he did to the different tissues it’s easy to appreciate how complex the procedure was.

Scars & Appearance

Let’s get even more personal.  First, breath in… Hold it… Exhale… Ok, let’s go.

Scars

The whole surgical site is a collection of scars as the skin, urethra, and glans penis were all rearranged into the new anatomy. Some of them were very cleverly used to enhance the aesthetics of the final result. The labia minora, for example, was crafted by fusing skin to the dissected inside of the urethra. Most scars are hidden by the whole origami mentioned above. But there are two large scars that run from north to south on each side of the neovulva. And I see them. They are the largest battle scars I have measuring approximately 11 cm each.

I should clarify that the large scars are visible when I’m totally naked. Also I’ve had hair removal so there is no pubic hair to hide them. To be fair it looks like I’m a good healer since they are not super obvious and of course wearing anything covers them. The other thing is that I focus on the scars so I’m sure that I notice them more than anyone else would.

Aesthetics

This is another personal one that might change depending on the individual and also the surgeon and their technique. A little bit of context is called up here. I personally think that both male and female genitalia are ugly. It’s like french bulldogs; I just find them physically unattractive. But just like french bulldogs I do think that some genitals are pretty or cute within their ugliness.

Overall, considering what I had before, my comment about ugly genitals, and the scars, I reckon my vulva to be good looking. Maybe a better way of saying it is that I figure it does look fairly natural. Again, with all factors considered.

More details. Somehow my result is slightly uneven. In my case the left side has about 15% more fatty tissue than the right. This makes it appear as if it “swings” to the right.

I also had a minor complication right after surgery. On the first few days post-op I over exercised or put too much pressure while sitting down and the sutures at the fourchette came undone. The skin around the scar has a slightly lighter colour due to the way it healed. Does this affect me? It did right after I got home from surgery.  I didn’t know how it would heal and was concerned. Now, maybe because this scar is at the most posterior location of the vulva and I don’t see it, I don’t care about it.