This post is the last of four in a series about life a few years after my vulvoplasty. Here I take a different approach and explore part of my psyche after 6 years of living with my decision. Just like the other 3 posts, this one is also very intimate.

I Should Have Had The Surgery Sooner

Yes and no.

When I got my surgery was the right time for me. Anytime sooner would have been premature. Anytime later would have been a logistical nightmare or too long. This has been my last surgery to date and the one that took me the most deliberation. I’m very proud of my thought process to conclude if the surgery was right for me. Just for context, I don’t think I even anticipated the possibility of surgery until at least one or two years full time.

First I looked at myself critically trying to answer why I became curious about this next step. Though the decision itself was done in a short time, Thinking it up was a multi-year project. I had to go through a formal evaluation to qualify as a candidate for surgery. In essence I went through the whole surgical assessment process prior to deciding. I took the assessment process itself as part of my fact-finding and information gathering. At the end, when I got approved, that helped me confirm it was the right decision and time for me. From what I gather most people decide to go ahead with the surgery and then start their research and assessment.

My surgery was in November of 2019 and the world stopped in March 2020. COVID-19 anyone? Not much more to explain why waiting longer would have been a logistic issue at best.

I Was the Right Time

Yeah, sure, there’s always the “I should have done this sooner” but it wasn’t. It would have been nice to have had all these experiences at a younger age with a more youthful body. The way I see it is that I would have needed to transition earlier and that didn’t happen. I was not only not ready but hadn’t even consider transition before the second half of 2015. Now I’m extremely thankful I got to middle age and matured enough before any of this. Of course I would have loved to have a younger body, but I think that my life experience compensates for youth and then some.

Had I waited longer it would have been exactly that, waiting. Normally once I feel confident with a decision and my knowledge gathering, I like to go ahead and not ruminate long on it. If I don’t do it this way, doubts tend to creep in and my mind spins.

Another thing I’ve already mentioned is age. Every day that goes by stacks up against recovery and the chances anything going awry.

Surgery Didn’t Fix Me

The decision to have genital reconstruction is not or should not be a simple one. Regardless of the individual’s circumstances and ambitions I believe we all share a desire for a better quality of life – whatever that means. Though, each of us has a different idea of how to reach that betterment. As I’ve mentioned my objective was to a greater degree to align my body with the rest of my gender expression and presentation.

So, did the surgery get me closer to my objective after 6 years? The very simple answer is yes it did. But if there’s a simple answer there must be a complex one too. Here’s where my state of mind likes to play tricks on me and as such creating the complex answer to the question. The great majority of the time I really like what I see in the mirror and how I feel about myself and my decision. I’m also content with any trade off that I have described earlier. Though there are days or even just moments that what I see in the reflection or what I feel about my genitalia is not completely rewarding.

I mentioned the state of mind because that is what seems to affect my perspective the most. It’s not only this surgery but pretty much everything. Sometimes my mind just focuses on something that I don’t like about my transition even when it’s minuscule in the grand scheme of things.

In Fact it Didn’t Change Me

The reason why I touch on this is because this surgery, all surgeries, even the whole transition, none of these have changed me at the core. My essence is the same with my old problems, virtues, vices, likes, and dislikes. Sure, I have grown like a person, like everyone else, maybe at a greater pace or in a different direction, but I am still me. If I had dysphoria most likely I would still have it particularly when my mind goes rogue and fixates on the things I don’t like.

By now I’m used to the odd combination that is my body and my being. Sometimes I see the male upbringing thinking “oh gee, not good” and sometimes I see what I always wanted to see thinking “yes, I made it!” Thankfully the latter is the dominant.

A photo of my groin in my knickers.

You’re a Mutilated Man

I really debated in my head adding this section and decided to do it. After all, if I thought so much about it then it’s worth it. Normally I just avoid this kind of topics because in my mind it’s a waste of my time. I relate them to politicking. If you or someone believes I’m a mutilated man I know I won’t change your or that person’s mind but I still do have a couple of thoughts.

I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion and if that is yours, fine. After all I know what I AM and on the same token you will not change my mind of who I AM. Even the few people that chose to cease contact with me were gracious enough to let me be. So just let me be.

In my opinion circumcised men are mutilated men. From that point of view maybe we’re part of the same mutilated community.

The Essence of What I Did

If after reading this post and this blog anyone believes I did anything wrong they just missed the point. The whole thing about transitioning was one way I chose to improve my life. Transition saves lives regardless of the age and choices of the individual. After all no one has a right to stop me or anyone else from trying to reach our own happiness. Someone made a brilliant analogy. “Do not adjust my thermostat.”

Earlier I talked about Deliverance and Safety as two of the most important factors in my decision. If people didn’t care about what I chose to do with my life, those would not have played such an important role in my thought process, especially safety. Thankfully the vast majority of people I’ve met don’t care about my choices and background.

Conclusion

After surgery it took me time to start getting used to my new anatomy. That getting-used phase took me a few years to master. Still to this date I’m learning new thing and every so often I get caught off guard. It’s funny because the very few times this happens is when I’m in a rush or when I do something from muscle memory. None of it really matters and as time goes on I forget more and more what was it before. Life is now ordinary or conventional – I’m avoiding the word normal because no one is normal and that is boring.

I also know that when the negative highjacks my judgement it’s short lived since I don’t feed it more attention.

Most days my brain focuses on the changes that got me closer to my objectives.  The photo that I’ve included above is an example of what I like to see in the mirror. This is what I see most of the time. But there are days or moments that my mind is in a negative wavelength. I don’t see what I want to see. I have also learnt to live with this dichotomy. Though I don’t like it when I pay attention to the negative I am now content and grateful for the sort of duality that is my body and my whole self. I also know that when the negative highjacks my judgement it’s short lived since I don’t feed it more attention.

As part of this series of posts I mentioned the freedom and security that comes from just being. This is the greatest perk and it’s remarkable because that was one of the main things I was seeking. The human spirit is stronger. Mission accomplished.

I chose a vulvoplasty over a vaginoplasty just because of the way I identify and my interests. Whatever the trade offs from this decision have been well worth it for me.

As I always say, these are my experiences and points of view. Everybody has their own circumstances and I acknowledge and respect that. I won’t adjust anyone else’s thermostat.

Nowadays I live with the consequences of my decision from 2019 and life feels pretty average; pretty good.

Continue reading my series Life After a Vulvoplasty

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