The other day I had a treatment done with my dermatologist that made my face look as if I had been stung by a swarm of angry bees. Right after the appointment I went for a meal with someone. As I got out of the car and started walking to the restaurant I felt this terrible doubt. I hadn’t felt in a while, but it was a strong feeling of insecurity of how my face looked while being about to enter the busy restaurant.
The Unexpected Jolt
That doubt, that insecurity, it came from nowhere. It felt like a tremor from my feet to my head. Fast and strong as thunder. It caught me so off guard that it made me blink. It was far from a new sensation and quite the opposite. I’ve felt that same prickle so many times before. This time I sensed it differently because I was not expecting it and I hadn’t had something similar for a few years. For a split second, I questioned what people in the restaurant would think of my face.
Mind Over Jolt
Even as I wrote that last paragraph above, I’m rolling my eyes. Why was I so concerned for something so irrelevant? I really don’t have an answer to the why, but I do know how I got over it.
Thankfully this episode of obscure doubtfulness lasted practically no time. As I took the next step towards the restaurant my mind switched on and had a quick dialogue with myself. First and foremost if anyone thought anything about my face or myself, it’s their prerogative and not my problem. Anyone in that place didn’t know me, so they have no point of reference of what my face looks normally, and that’s if anyone even payed attention. The truth is that most likely no one would even notice me. If by any chance someone would actually notice my face, say the person serving our table, they had no reference of how I look on a good, a bad or a terrible day. Next, if they were to actually notice, they are entitled to think whatever they like and the chances of them bringing it forward would be ultra minuscule. Furthermore, if they were to bring up my appearance, that would actually speak more about their insecurities than mine, and even I would just tell them why I looked like a survivor of a swarm attack. The conclusion of this self-dialogue about the unexpected jolt: f*#k whatever anyone thinks!
Becoming Transparent and Invisible
I’m writing this because I had learnt to deal with these, sometime small and sometimes big, self-doubts and insecurities specially when I started expressing as a girl. I know these fears are within myself and therefore I can control them. I know to disregard them because in the larger picture, as I try to explain above, there is actually no reason to fall victim to them.
This little stupid episode made me re-appreciate that I had transcended my own insecurities by putting them to the test against basic logic and my own past experiences.
As I relive the moment and absorb its teachings, it makes me feel as if I can become invisible. I imagine myself walking down the street in a cloak of invisibility where I’m transparent and no one can see me. But at the same time I feel I have this power to appreciate the other people walking alongside me all have their own insecurities and doubts. By being transparent I don’t worry about anyone seeing my self-doubts, though it gives me the time and perspective to see that people on the street are also humans and have their own unique stories. It’s not that I know or care about their story nor that I can see exactly what their insecurities are, but it’s appreciating, acknowledging that people are all valuable, unique, with complex lives and there’s a fair chance that their insecurities and self-doubts may be bigger than mine.
The fact is that most of the time I am transparent and invisible. I know that people cannot see my insecurities and self-doubts. As such, then there is no reason to give them any thought or value. These thoughts of insecurities and doubts are so worthless that I consciously try to dispose of them as quickly as they appear.