Writing Is My Friend

Writing about my process has helped me better understand myself. It’s also been therapeutic in a sense. And reading my notes at a later date gives me context of how far I’ve gone.

How many times someone asks you what’s new, you think about it for a second, nothing comes to mind, and you just reply ‘there’s nothing new’? It happens to me most of the times, but if I pause and actually think about the last time I saw that person and what has really happened since, usually there is something. Probably nothing groundbreaking, but definitely something new and these little details add up.

Documenting

Growing up I did not have a diary, nor a paste book, nor a personal photo album. Time just passed and I was fine with that. Now I only have my memories and some photos that other people took, but in general I have very little documentation of my past.

Then, in late 2015 when I decided to open myself up and seek professional help to start hormone therapy (AKA HRT or hormone replacement therapy) I kept thinking I needed to write about what I was going to embark into. Also at that time a couple of people suggested I write about my experiences as they knew it would be a ride to remember. I procrastinated for the first few months and only started writing and documenting on the day of my first appointment with the endocrinologist.

I do regret not documenting more of my past, and I certainly regret not writing about what I was thinking and doing as I considered opening up.

When I started writing, it was just a raw dump of what I was thinking at that moment. It was also about the events of the day or the days before. My idea was to document my thoughts and feelings without much more filter than my own ability to type or write. It was only notes with no more structure than ensuring they were dated. Sometimes my notes took the form of a letter to myself. In some other cases I would actually write an email or a text message to someone, and then I would paste it as part of my notes.

I’m not consistent with my writing, meaning that sometimes many days pass in-between writings. When I don’t write for a few days I again feel I need to document my thoughts and feelings. The longer I wait, the more I forget if I don’t put it down on the page.

Understanding

Writing engages my brain. It makes me think as I put words on the page. Now it helps me structure my thoughts as I write them. I better understand my thoughts, the events, the relationships, the importance, etc. of whatever I’m writing.

I’ll share a good example. One morning I woke up with a typical question I used to wake up to: “why am I doing this?” That morning as I laid in bed I had a bit of clarity and I started writing. As I wrote, other similar ideas came to mind and I managed to capture them on paper. More ideas rushed to my head and I was only able to write bullet points on paper.  Later that day, as I was transcribing those hand scribbles to my computer I started expanding on those thoughts. I wasn’t able to come back to it for a few days, but when I had the chance to return I managed to further develop and reorganize what I had first written into something that actually had cause and effect. At the end I was not able to answer my original question of “why am I doing this” but I was able to clearly understand many of the joys that I get out of “doing this”.

Writing as Therapy

I find writing about my experiences incredibly relaxing and at the same time exhilarating. It relaxes me because I can focus and concentrate without being a stressful activity. It detaches myself from the day to day grind and I look inside myself. I get to reason what I’m writing and why I find it interesting to document. It’s exciting because I can better see connections that in my head I knew existed, but by writing I could see the extent of those connections. As I said before, when I write I better understand, and by understanding, specially something that had been bothering me, it stops bothering me. After writing about it, I understand why it was bothersome, therefore it no longer bothers me.

Remembering

A large component of my own writing is reading it later. Wow! It’s incredible to read stuff that I wrote a month ago. Even more incredible when something I wrote is a year old or more. Reading brings back memories. Depending on the event or how much detail I wrote, it reminds me of my mindset then. It brings memories not only of what I wrote, but what was happening around those days, and how all that affected my views then.

Reading my old writings contrasts my current views and perspectives to those that I had back then when I first wrote those thoughts. Here’s an example of one of my notes  from 19 of December, 2015, about a month after starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy):

— 15.12.19 Es un juego, en vivo, con el arma cargada. Como manejar rápido. Es un juego, sumamente peligroso y divertido.

— 15.12.19 It’s a game, a live game, with the gun loaded. Like fast driving. It’s a game, extremely dangerous and amusing.

Back then it felt like things were happening at a neck breaking speed. Raw emotions were high and I had so many expectations.  Today, as I write this, I can look back and see those expectations and how some materialized while many others did not. That note is a great way of describing my anticipation, though. And that’s the important thing. That by reading that tiny note I can feel all over again the excitement I had then. By remembering all these details I’m re-appraising the importance of those days and the events surrounding those days.

Writing and documenting is not for everyone, but for me now, writing is my friend. It helps me a lot at the time of writing, and it keeps giving me back at the time of reading it, specially at a much later date.

Do you rather forget your past?