Today I saw a trans girl working at a department store and seeing her made an impression on me. So much that I felt strongly compelled to put my thoughts in writing and share them here. Usually I don’t like to talk, much less write about someone else, but here I go.
The Pretty Girl
She was working at one of the tills and I was browsing looking for jeans and anything else that would catch my eye. She caught my eye! I guess my attraction to women made me look. Her face was striking, specifically her nose. She had what would typically be considered the perfect female nose: sloping, narrow bridge, fine tip pointing up, beautiful angle with her lips, little projection; a delicate nose. Then her lips: they were full, big and plumped. She had perfect skin with simple, saleswoman makeup and shiny lips. I figure she was either in her late 20s or early 30s. She was not a very tall girl but neither petite.
All those elements caught my attention for sure, but there was more. Overall her face looked exaggerated to me. Individually every aspect of her face shouted “pretty woman”, but put them all together and it looked odd, something was out of place. Clearly she had surgery. After my first thought of “wow everything about her face is perfect” my second reaction was: “Is she trans?” I had to figure that out!
I got closer to the till where she was working. There was a line of, probably 4 or 5 customers waiting for her service and I walked and browsed the dresses behind her till. My trans-radar was tuned paying attention and looking for clues. Her next giveaway after her attention-garbing face was her voice. Simply put she sounded like an average guy as she helped the customers. And lastly her body and the way she moved. Though not conspicuously or ostentatiously a male body it had some male traits. The physical details I noted were her lack of breast development, slightly wide shoulders, no waist or hips and bigger wider than normal (for a woman her size) feet.
My Strong Feelings
If I deconstruct my feelings it goes something like this. First I felt bad for her. I felt that because I had the sense that she “was trying too hard”, so hard that I instantly wondered if she was trans. Then my curiosity to answer that question pushed me to focus more on her and her characteristics. And it’s not that she was trying too hard, rather that her face was odd. It was too much and I felt looked overdone. Almost as if it didn’t have or showed personality.
A number of months ago I wrote some thoughts on “aggressive FFS” after there was some discussion on a Facebook group about some surgeons being aggressive while others “not being aggressive enough”. The girl from today made me think that she is probably an example of “aggressive FFS“, at least to me. I could not stop thinking that her surgeons went and did everything she told them that she wanted done. Not only what procedures, but how much change to produce. I could imagine her asking the surgeon to be aggressive and the surgeon agreeing.
Another thought that came to me over and over was that probably she chose to have such “aggressive FFS” for the purpose of looking as female as surgically possible. I think her main objective may have been to blend in and not get misgendered or clocked. Just from analysing my reaction she missed her goal. Her “aggressive FFS“, IMO, worked against her. She looked so overdone than I tuned my trans-radar on her and made the effort to get closer and pay more attention looking for clues. At the end she grabbed my attention for the wrong reason. I guess if this happened to me, other people might turn their attention to her too. It’s not that grabbing attention is bad, but when there are mismatches, for example her face mismatched with her voice, then people’s perception might drift, almost to suspicion.
Today this girl made me think. She made me think a lot and hard about myself and my own process! I’ve gone through a number of procedures to physically alter my appearance and be seen as female. I strongly relate beauty to femininity and some of the decisions I’ve made have been, as doctors put it, to beautify. I discuss possible procedures and ideas with a couple of friends. We talk about techniques and surgeons, what would “look good” on us, what other people have done, etc. We often touch on the risks of “doing too much” or overdoing things or doing something unsafe. We discuss the possible personal drivers pushing people (us) to look for extremes. It is very easy to get carried away and get intoxicated with the idea that more is better. I’m sure it’s fairly easy to find a surgeon or doctor that would say yes to everything they are asked to do.
I also thought that there I was, with all my flaws and worries but I was blending in, not getting any undesired attention and certainly not being clocked. On the other side I assumed that this younger, prettier girl had a much higher chance of being clocked than me. On one hand I felt good about myself and my decisions, but on the other I felt the opposite for her. Probably her dysphoria was so strong that influenced her to go that far. I feel sorry that I was judging since all these thoughts I wrote here came from my 5-minute observation and with no interaction with her.
I truly hope that this girl I saw today is happy with the reflection she sees on the mirror. After all, the only thing that matters is what she thinks about herself. I can think and say and write things from my perspective. But I didn’t speak with her. Everything here about her is my assumption, but it did trigger a lot of thinking and analysis of how I think of myself and how I perceive myself.