As a friend of mine is starting her own process I was looking back at my early days, my notes and some of my old posts on HolaSoyYo.com. It made me think how far I’ve moved forward. How much or how little my life has changed and how lucky I am. I also reflected on how important it is for me to feel that I’m moving forward. On the other hand, feeling stagnated or stuck does have a negative impact on me and I’m sure that’s the case with everyone. Here I reflect on the stagnation and my forward motion during 2017.
Normality?
A number of months ago I wrote to myself a note that having a feeling of stagnation was bad for me. It seems I need to move forward constantly. On certain fronts I have moved forward at light speed, specifically my physical appearance and the way I present. On other fronts, for example professionally, not as much or as fast. It’s a complex feeling; a combination of feeling of stagnation and huge advancement at the same time, on the same person but on different levels or dimensions.
Comparing my notes from a few weeks ago with those from late 2016, when I had my FFS, and early 2017, when I had my hair transplant, I feel I was more pensive in deep deconstruction of my thoughts and feelings then than a few weeks ago. Now I feel life is settling, almost settling back to normality. I feel like now I’m going back to 2011 before I had an explosion of experiences and life was fairly uneventful. Think of a graph where life had been pretty “normal” represented with a flat line; not much excitement. Then, in 2011 as I started experimenting deeply with gender I had an explosion of new experiences, so the curve jumps up, then flattens a bit for a few years until I decided to moved forward and seek medical advice in late 2015. At that point the graph jumps steeply upward with HRT, opening up, experimenting in “real life”, going full time, FFS, etc. And again, after all those incredible experiences, the graph flattens and in this case starts to point downwards towards normality.
My latest experiences, as powerful as they have been, don’t seem to feel as rich or as complex as they used to. I think I miss that richness, that complexity. I miss staring at the unknown and jumping into it head first. Maybe I’m growing wiser.
2017 Better Than I Give it Credit
Looking back at 2017 I think I moved forward further and faster than in 2016. During 2016 I planned my FFS and went to Spain for it, I went full time on the second quarter of 2016, took a voice coaching course and settled on the first year of HRT. Those are some incredible leaps forward. But 2017, even though I didn’t recognize it at first, I now think I leaped forward more than in 2016. At the beginning of 2017 I had my hair transplant, throughout the year I worked on my options for a revision of my rhinoplasty. That alone took me most of the year to research. Also in 2017 I decided on the revision of the rhinoplasty which also gave me the opportunity to add other procedures I always wanted. 2017 allowed me to settle into my appearance. It gave me the chance to travel abroad presenting female as well as enrolling in dance classes. In the third quarter of 2017 I renewed my passport, so it now matches the way I look. By the turn of 2018 my hair transplant had fully developed, recovery from FFS in 2016 was pretty much over except for the nose (since it was revised in November of 2017). During the rhinoplasty revision surgery in November 2017 I also got a mammoplasty and lipo sculpture. By the time I returned home after surgery in early December 2017 I had a more proportional body. Also during 2017 I got to practice and improve on my voice.
By the time 2018 began, people could not tell that I’m not a cis-female from my appearance and the way I present .
The crazy thing is that as much I recognize 2017 was a huge leap forward, it is still in that downward slope of my graph above. And probably that’s the reason why at first I didn’t give 2017 the credit it deserved. As powerful as the experiences of 2017 were, in my head they don’t feel as rich as some other earlier experiences.
The Way I Present
My physical progress is breathtaking to me. Every morning when I wake up and see myself in the mirror it’s not just a smile for what I see. It’s laughter of joy from that reflection in the mirror. Every morning I think “Fuck, I’m doing it; I did it!” Like everything else, it’s a combination of being incredibly satisfied and proud of my progress and on the other hand the sense or the feel that all of this is becoming normal.
2017 At First Felt Stagnant
During most of 2017 I didn’t feel I was moving forward. Even as I was in fact moving forward gathering all the information I needed to decide on the rhinoplasty revision, it felt to me as if I was stagnant. It took me the better part of the year to decide on the revision of the rhinoplasty. This long phase of information gathering felt as if I was not accomplishing anything. Also, since I didn’t have all the information I needed to make a decision right away, I had a feeling of being stuck. It was not until late in 2017 that finally had all the information I needed and I made a decision on surgery. At that point I finally felt unstuck.
In early summer 2017 I experimented changing my HRT. Without getting into any details I followed the advise of a Facebook group and in effect I broke my HRT. When I saw my lab results after this HRT experiment felt I wasted all those months of trying things out. It wasn’t just a feeling of stagnation; it was more of a feeling of regression in my HRT department.
This HRT screw-up gave me the opportunity to discuss my experiments with my endocrinologist. I also had the chance to ask the doctor to change my method of administering estradiol from tablets to intramuscular injections. Again, it was not until the last quarter of 2017 that I actually felt I moved forward with my HRT, and forward it leaped! By November 2017, before I left to Marbella for surgery, my hormone levels were enviable by all standards.
Moving Forward Without a Plan
Sadly, but As I write this I feel stagnation again. Maybe it’s because we’re well into 2018 (mid February as I write this) and I don’t have a grand plan for moving forward. It may be a good idea to look inside myself and again take note of my feeling and deconstruct my thoughts. Doing that always keeps me occupied, interested and mentally super-active. And every time I do that I learn about myself, which on its own is a way to move forward.
I need to move forward.
Notes:
FFS = Facial Feminization Surgery
HRT = Hormone Replacement Treatment
I think the ultimate goal is to be indistinguishable from a CIS female. At least it is for me and it is also my biggest cause for anxiety.
I have to say congratulations on being able to walk down the street without having to worry about being clocked and to have the people you meet simply treat you as yourself.
Everybody has their own personal goals and I totally understand the one of being indistinguishable from a cis female.
Looking back at those early days of stepping out presenting female, things were so thrilling that the sense of moving forward was very palpable to me. Now I feel that things are settling down, but I need that sense of moving forward. I want to experience something like those early thrills… Maybe I need to look at my own current barriers to see if I can knock down some more.
Being almost two years in, I can say that you will ultimately do what you can, when you can. Two years of transition has a lifetime of experiences within it. Two years will also feel to fly by on hindsight. Psychological, Social, and Physical changes will keep anyone busy. I’ve kept tabs on each, and got through some of the tougher times by managing my personal list in each category, and like I mentioned, do what I can, when I can. As anxiety is fear of future events, having lists of what you can do for each of the three transitional goals will help in managing the anxiety. I wish that I had done that sooner. It would have helped me tremendously. I hope my words can help others.
I didn’t have a list as such, but for the most part I did focus on one major target or task at once.
Your idea of having a list or lists is great. If for any reason you get stuck in one line item, you can jump or move your attention to another. I do believe that the sense of moving forward is source, if not of happiness, a source of energy to do more and do better. When I move forward and accomplish things I fill myself with satisfaction, joy and pride.