Even with all the surgeries, wardrobe, makeup, manners, voice, etc. I will always be and feel trans. Even when no one has any idea and I’m accepted as a girl, even when I smile and feel absolute gratitude when I see my reflection in the mirror, I will always be trans!
It’s not a bad thing. On the contrary. It’s a great thing that I am happy with who I am and I can have the conflicting duality to present myself as a woman and be aware and proud of my background.
I will always be trans!
It’s a similar feeling, but completely inverted, from being in the closet. Growing up as a guy I concealed my interest and curiosity to present and be perceived as a girl. That exact same feeling, but flipped on it’s back, is what I feel now. Now that I’m being perceived and accepted as a girl I get a similar feeling because I know my history; my background. And even if and when other people know, I still get that feeling of concealing something. I think it’s because other people cannot fully experience and feel what I’ve always felt. Even if I try to explain it I simply cannot communicate or transmit to them all the facets and nuances of how I feel and what I’ve lived. Every day growing up and before I decided to seek medical support I thought “what if”. Now on the other side, every day I think of the unlikeliness of what I have done and accomplished. It’s not that I’ve stopped thinking about it, it’s that what I think now is influenced by my personal experiences in this other social role. I will always be trans!
For example, as natural as my bust feels to me and it looks to the outside world, there are a couple of inframammary incisions that I see. When I lay down on my belly I feel the prosthetic implants. These are not bad things or feelings or sensations. Quite the opposite as I love my breasts and the impact they’ve had on my life. There are times that I feel them and I think of my background. But mainly they are another source of immense gratification and satisfaction on my choices and what I’ve done. I will always be trans!
I will always have that duality, that conflicting contradiction, that in-betweenness even when I’ve made incredible strides not to show it. I will always be trans!
It’s something I was born with or born into. It’s something I think about every single day of my life. It’s not something that can be cured or that will change. Accepting and embracing it is an incredible satisfaction. It’s something I will take to my grave. I will always be me.
P.S. The header image is just a photo of the back of my head and neck; just me.
A beautiful description.
Feeling female inside, I always felt I was working to “pass” as a man. Then it’s the reverse, when in female mode,
trying (not expecting success) to pass as a woman. So your idea caught me off guard – that it’s still there for you.
And why not? I’m happy with it. Brava, girl.
I have thought so much about this. I see other trans women online that look as confident as they can be, but only they know what they’re thinking. I’m sure, at least some, think about their “in-betweenness” more that may appear to me.
I do think about it every day. Maybe the point of view is now different, and probably it’s now more intense, but it’s always there. And I adore it!