I often get asked how it all started, or other variations of the same question that include when did it start, when did I know or what made me make the decision. I’ve thought about these questions hard and deep and I always get to the same answer. The answer could be very simple but, not surprisingly, the fact is that it’s more convoluted than that.
The Simple Answer
The really simple answer is that it all started on day one.
From my earliest memories I always wondered what would it be like if I were a girl.
But this is where the simple answer ends and then it gets a bit more complex. Yes, from day one and every day of my life, I’ve thought about this, even up to today. This curiosity or interest always pushed me to try on ladies garments or play in the mirror how I would act as a girl but apart from that I never did anything more about it as it was not something I needed to address. From time to time I would wear something feminine and indulge myself for a few minutes before putting it away or getting rid of it in fear of getting caught. I knew that if I got caught it would be considered something very wrong, deviant and probably sinful. Though I was never caught red handed, the rush and the thrill was always incredible. Once my parents found some girl’s clothes I had, but they never saw me wearing them. Here you can read about a few of those early memories growing up.
The Complex Answer
Like almost everything in life, there is much more to it than meets the eye. I’ve thought so much about the complex answer and the easiest way to explain it is by dividing it into 3 distinct points in time or phases. The first phase is the longest. It went from childhood to late summer in 2011. During this time I never considered doing anything about it more than wearing something from time to time. Then, between the summer of 2011 and the summer of 2015 was phase 2 or what I call a learning explosion. And the last phase in late 2015 when I actually made the decision to look for medical help to move forward.
Phase 1: Steady as She Goes
As I stated earlier, I’ve know I had this drive, this interest, this curiosity, all my life, but it was “under control”. Meaning that it never bothered me, it never became a stress point for me or a source of anxiety of why I could not be a girl. Rather it was a part of me that I knew that if anyone found out I would be labeled evil or deviant or some other nasty social stigma. From an early age I was aware, interested and very curious about males presenting female and even transitioning. From time to time I would get my hands on something girly, most often clothing, most often undies. I would wear it at home or wherever I was but making sure no one would ever catch me. There were periods that I was more active or would put on something more often and there were other times where I would not spend time putting anything on, but nevertheless, everyday I would think about it.
I call this stage “Steady as She Goes” meaning that I didn’t even think of doing anything about it. I never considered presenting female full time, I didn’t consider looking for medical help; life was just fine. It was my deepest personal secret and for the most part no one knew. For the longest time nothing changed much, so steady as she goes during this phase 1.
Phase 2: The Learning Explosion
Holy shit! This is when things got crazy! This phase, particularity at the beginning was crazy exhilarating. Even just thinking on how to explain it here I get so excited about this time in my life. I guess I can go chronologically and start at the beginning. And it goes something like this:
In late summer 2011 I had the opportunity of being home alone for a few months. I have no idea what triggered me to do this but I made the conscious decision of, as I put it, “go crazy” and try all sorts of new, more daring things. During phase 1 I don’t think I ever fully dressed and made up myself as female. I would wear one or two or a few things, or put on makeup, or a wig, but never a full transformation. But in that summer of 2011 I decided to go ahead and do it all, with the objective to look as naturally female as possible.
To make a long story short I went from having nothing to start buying second hand clothes, my first wig, and what I thought was the utmost in craziness, a pair of breastforms. All along having some of the most exciting moments of my life. Just the learning and practicing on applying makeup was incredible. One day I had a makeup artist apply my makeup and give me a class! The combination of emotions and their intensity were fundamental for, what at that point was unknown, the future phase 3.
I love this little story because it’s a snapshot of how crazy and exciting things were back then.
I found that there was a place that sold breastforms online and they have their operations less than 50 km from my home. Super nervous I manage to contact them via email and made an appointment to get fitted and see what they had. I remember driving there being both terrified and excited at the same time. I was terrified of being judged but excited about the possibility of buying prosthetic breastforms and faking a female body.
Again, I’ll shorten the long story a bit, but I got there, was fitted by an awesome woman that helped decided on a shape and size and got my first pair with a pocket bra to be able to wear them. Driving back home from their warehouse I remember in the car thinking to myself “what the hell did you just do??” But the excitement was so great that my next thought was “Ah, fuck it, let’s go crazy!” At that moment I decided to stop at a wig store and buy my first wig.
At home I already had a few second hand outfits I had bought one or two days earlier and I could not get home fast enough to put all of these things together. It would be the first time ever wearing all female outfit with breastforms and a wig, plus experimenting with body shaping. The photo on the right is from that cardinal day.
Now that I think about this moment it was certainly fundamental to who I am now. The reflection in the mirror and what I saw in the photos from that day shaped the next few days and months and pushed me to do things I never thought I was able to do or accomplish. It was the first step in getting to phase 3. I had absolutely no idea then, but now that I think about it, I believe that technically I started “transition” with those actions on that day.
The learning was accelerated and I was learning about something I thought about every day. All my life I’ve observed women but I never actually dug deep into presenting female, so I had to learn everything from the ground up. By everything I mean makeup, posture, hair, wardrobe, manners, etc. Not only getting to know about those things but the experiences purchasing, for example my wardrobe, was a learning process on itself. Going to a second hand store, browse the women’s aisles, trying things on and then paying for them was not only a learning experience but every time it was super thrilling. This accelerated learning helped me knock down my own barriers and best of all was the incredible rushes and thrills I enjoyed.
The learning was so intense that also got to know about photography, which helped me with makeup and poses. Also, when I saw myself in the mirror and in my first photos (the photo above is one of those) I immediately convinced myself to lose weight. I learn to change my lifestyle and managed to get in shape in about 2 months. If you’re curious, I have a whole blog post on the learning explosion I experienced then. At one point I pushed myself to learn to put on faux lashes and even coloured contact lenses to complete a feminine look.
Phase 3: The Decision to Move Forward
Phase 3 is when I decided to move forward and look for medical support to start HRT and later present female full time.
This last phase of “how did it all start” is so powerful that needs it’s own separate post. Continue reading How Did it All Start? Phase 3 – The Decision to Move Forward.
P.S. The header image is meant to represent a boy wearing tights and girls’ undies which is as far as I went through most of my life.