Here I continue developing the complex answer to the basic question of “how did it all start?” To get the full benefit of this post and its context, I strongly suggest that you first read my prior post, How Did it All Start? There I explain the simple answer to the question and the first two phases of the complex answer. Here, below, is Phase 3.
During the first couple of years of Phase 2 which were the end of 2011 to around early 2013 or so I got really good at crossdressing and appearing fairly natural, even with all the faux stuff like breastforms, colour contacts, wigs and waist cinchers. Then things faded more and more between 2014 and 2015. Between work and family I didn’t get to crossdress as much even when I kept growing my hair, kept my body hairless, and of course thought about it every single day.
In the summer of 2015 rumors started to appear in the press that Bruce Jenner was transgender and didn’t take long for Caitlyn Jenner to appear in the scene. When she did her last interview as Bruce she said something that hit me. She said something to the effect that she had suppressed her true self all her life but that she wanted to see know it would end. That comment made me think. It made me think really hard and deep.
Before I heard that comment from Jenner I only considered just having fun with my crossdressing. Up to that point I had said over and over, and I was convinced that transition was not for me. Yet, as much as I dislike Jenner, I do give her credit for triggering my brain to consider the option of looking for medical support to move forward, to start HRT, to present female full time; “to transition”. Between the moment I heard Jenner’s comment and making my decision, it wasn’t much time. I can almost pinpoint the precise date when I decided. It was sometime between the 4th of August and 11 of September 2015 that I made my decision. I know the start and end dates to the window because on the 4th of August 2015 I had an appointment with a hair transplant surgeon and I know as a fact that day I was still thinking about it. And on the 11 of September 2015 I got my ears pierced after having already made the decision to move forward.
My Decision Process
The decision process was outrageously simple and basic, considering the tremendous implications this decision had. Jenner’s comment about seeing how it ends kept going in circles in my head. I always thought that anyone that went through gender transition was a super human. Someone with an incredible willpower that I simply did not posses. During my thought process I really didn’t think of the difficulties too much. Rather my mind would concentrate on how life would be different, how I’d look, how I’d act and how other people would perceive and treat me.
My logic was very simple. I thought that why not, if I had wondered all my life what it would be to be a woman, why not actually do it. These were the characteristics I saw in myself:
- I’m not married and with no children, so I would not have to navigate the complexities of dragging a partner or children along for the ride.
- I’ve always been lucky to have almost everything I wanted. I don’t owe anything to anyone (if you don’t include a mortgage) and for the most part I’ve always done what I wanted. But there was something that I always wanted but had never considered doing.
- I always had a great job, a beautiful home, incredible family and friends, paid my taxes, etc. but still I wasn’t doing much about what has always being in my mind.
- From my crossdressing and how I managed to look during my phase 2, I thought I had a good chance of feeling good about my looks if I were full time.
- Even at forty whatever that I was then, I still had hair. If I was bald I would have decided against moving forward.
Adding all these things together, my thought was why not do what I had been curious, as in super curious all my life? So I then made the decision to move forward.
As I write this I find it extremely simplistic that I made such a life changing decision based on so few, and to a point stupid (basic), criteria.
I didn’t want to be told how it is. I wanted to see what it’s like; what it feels like.
The Actual First Steps
Once I decided to move forward there was not looking back… That sounds too dramatic. The truth is that I simply didn’t look back. There was no hesitation, no doubt
I decided to take a week off work and start my process. I had pretty much no information and very little idea on how to go about it. I knew I had to speak with my doctor to discuss starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and I knew that facial hair removal was going to be a long process. I was also aware of a gender clinic not far from my home.
When I booked that week off from work I make an appointment with my doctor and another at a laser hair removal place. I set 3 objectives to myself for that week:
- Getting my ears pierced
- Taking with my doctor about HRT, and
- Enquire about laser hair removal for my face.
It was the week of 14 of September 2011. The Friday before that week I went and got my ears pierced. It was the very first permanent body modification I would do. On Monday 14 of September I had an appointment with my doctor for 11:30 am and the next day at 13:00 with the laser place. Again, to shorten the long story, by the time I finished with my family doctor I had the name of a psychologist that could do my HRT assessment (a requirement to start HRT) and from outside my doctor’s office I made the booking with the psychologist for Wednesday the 16 of September, 2011. The following day, after the laser hair removal consultation I decided to pay a visit to the gender clinic and from it I made another appointment with a social worker for the following day to talk about the typical process of getting cleared to start HRT.
By the end of that week off work I had:
- My ears pierced and bought a couple of pairs of earrings and my own first pieces of jewellery,
- Seen my doctor and asked him about HRT and left with a reference for a psychologist,
- Seen the psychologist for the first time and booked my HRT assessment for the week after,
- Had a laser hair removal consultation and made a booking for another consultation at the place where I’ve been going since,
- Spoken with a social worker, who happened to be trans, from the gender clinic, and got a rounder understanding of the process.
From here the next steps progressed quickly. During the following days and weeks I opened up to my family, started laser hair removal from the face, saw who is now my endocrinologist, started attending a monthly support group, started going out in public presenting female from time to time (mostly on the weekends), and the crown jewel, I started HRT!
This time is fuzzy in my head. Everything moved so fast and I was so excited that I had no time to process and take in all that I was doing. As my mum very well said it in Spanish: “te desataste”; that literally means that I un-tether.
P.S. Just by writing and reading this I get excited from all these memories.
P.P.S. The photo in the header is my mother of pearl butterfly pendant. I chose this photo because it was my first piece of jewellery that I got for myself when I decided to move forward. I bought it on the same day I got my ears pierced. At the end, to me, it has nothing to do with metamorphosis or transition or anything like that.